I was sitting in a meeting with people in recovery from alcoholism, and a lady shared that she was new to sobriety and was struggling with wanting to drink. She laid out how she felt in an open way. A bit later, a person with over 35 years in recovery shared that since the death of his son, he has become very cynical about life and recovery. He said that he is making a recommitment to sobriety, and by telling the group about it, he will be accountable for that recommitment. He then looked at the lady and said, “You just told on yourself. That is healthy, and because of that, you will not drink today.” I have been around recovery for over 41 years. While I may have heard the statement “to tell on oneself,” I did not comprehend the power of that action until that moment.
Sharing one’s insides can be scary. When I was diagnosed with melanoma, the surgeon asked me how I felt when I heard I had cancer. I said, “I am going to die soon.” He then looked at me and said, “It does not have to be that way, and we will get through this together.” Sure, this gave me hope; however, the initial reaction was like a punch in the gut. Today, two-plus years later, anxiety is still there more often than I wish it were. Once I answered the physician with how I felt, the conversation became different. Yes, there are some people who respond to such challenges with great faith; they are examples for me. When Roe, a Blue Wahoos fan and then an employee, was in the final stages of cancer, I said to her, “I am so sorry.” She said, “Please do not feel sorry for me. I am so grateful for the life I have had.” I am in awe of people like Roe.
The number-one question my company, Healthcare Plus Solutions Group® (HPSG), recommends asking a patient is, “Currently, what is your biggest concern or worry?” This question accomplishes so much. It creates a sense of safety and vulnerability. Research noted in the book Wonder Drug: 7 Scientifically Proven Ways That Serving Others Is the Best Medicine for Yourself, by Stephen Trzeciak, MD, and Anthony Mazzarelli, MD, reveals that often the patient and the caregiver may not be in the same place. The same book, yes; the same chapter, no. The example given is a woman who came to the emergency department in the initial stages of pregnancy. She was bleeding. After the situation was stabilized, the caregivers asked the woman, “What is your biggest concern?” The woman shared that she struggled with depression and felt that if she lost the baby, she may take her own life due to a history of suicide ideation. The caregivers said they had assumed the woman’s number-one concern was losing the baby. In a way, this was accurate. However, once the caregivers know about the depression and suicide ideation, other resources can be brought in.
It’s vital to create a place where people feel safe sharing their concerns. For decades, organizations have known new hires are most vulnerable to leaving in the first 90 days. When people who do not leave are asked what they like best about where they work, the answer is “my coworkers.” When someone is new, they are scared. They are thinking, Did I make a mistake? Will I fit in? Will I be able to do the job as well as I see my coworkers doing it? They are not sure they belong. To provide a solution for this, we at HPSG have created a tool kit on Emotional Onboarding™. We believe it is the missing link to early retention of talent. The “What is your biggest concern or worry?” question also works with new hires. In the book Rewiring Excellence: Hardwired to Rewired, Dan Collard and I share a personal retention plan for new hires.
New leaders can also benefit from being asked about their biggest concern or worry. The answer depends on the person. This is the reason for Precision Leader Development™. To put it in statistical terms, each person is an N of 1. An organization was putting together a curriculum for leadership development. To their surprise, the number-one concern of those new in leadership was how to best schedule staff. This was not everyone, but it was true of 70 percent of leaders. If they had not asked and had not done so anonymously, I do not think they would have known that scheduling was such a concern.
Being vulnerable is a good thing. Too often people may feel they will be seen as “less than” if they tell on themselves. Some will see it that way. Those are not the people we want in our life.
I was fortunate to spend two days with several leaders who provide care to those in skilled nursing facilities and other rehabilitation organizations. During this time, I shared some of my new learnings. In reading the surveys at the conclusion of the session, I found a few respondents had shared how refreshing it was that I admitted I was just learning some new ways to onboard. They said that if I am still learning, they feel better about not knowing some things until now.
We are all imperfect. We are all works in progress. Do not be afraid to tell on yourself.
