Be kind. This is how I respond when asked, “If you had one tip for a person, what would it be?” Kindness also feels like the right word to focus on as we kick off a new year.
When reading the definition for kindness, words like generous, helpful, and thinking of others’ feelings are listed. Being kind to others is a great thing. My suggestion is that you include yourself as someone to be kind to.
In my experience, most people are extremely hard on themselves. This is particularly true for people in helping professions. I remember a teacher crying when one of her students did not do well on a test. A mental health professional might wish they could do more for someone who is struggling. An individual in healthcare so wants to help a patient have less pain and more hope. The question they ask themselves is, Could I have done more?
It is good to have self-awareness on what we can learn from and improve upon. My observation is that most individuals are more patient, kind, and forgiving with others than with themselves. It is like being in a boxing ring alone and still getting beat up. We do not need someone else to be hard on us; we are extremely hard on ourselves.
A moment that changed my life happened in 1983 when I began therapy for depression. After a few sessions, the therapist shared something with me. When I was talking negatively about myself and when she shared observations that were not positive, I would let these thoughts in and even build on them. (For example, “If you think that’s bad, wait until you hear this!”) When she shared positive observations, I would turn away and reject them.
In other words, she noted that I filtered out the positives and let in only the negatives. That day when I left her office, a weight had been lifted. It is no wonder I feel so dark. I do not let in the sunlight! After that point, I learned to accept the positives.
Others can also have the tendency to reject the positives. Have you ever complimented someone and they rejected it? They say things like, “It is nothing.” “I got lucky.” “Anyone could do it.” “Right place, right time.” While it may appear that a person is showing humility, it can also be a sign of someone who filters out the positives. I coach people to let in the positives. I urge them to say thank you when they are complimented.
We live in a world where we are more likely to read and hear about what is wrong than what is right. Much of my work is helping people, communities, and organizations see what is good.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. Treat yourself like you treat others: with kindness, empathy, forgiveness, and love. This is the best message I can think of to start out the new year.
