Are you a nice leader or a kind leader?

Is there a difference? Yes, an important one. Nice and kind are not synonyms. Niceness is about seeming pleasant and agreeable. It’s about keeping the peace and making people comfortable. This is not a bad thing in many situations. Kindness is about real compassion and empathy. It’s taking action from the place of wanting the best for a person or an organization, even when it means telling hard truths and making hard choices.

When a person is “nice,” it is because they want to be liked and often because they are uncomfortable with conflict. They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. When one is a leader, discomfort is part of the job. A leader may not always be liked. A kind leader will be respected.

Let’s say an employee misses deadlines. This affects the whole team’s progress and keeps them from meeting goals. A nice leader might wait a while to say something in hopes that the problem will fix itself. Then when it doesn’t, others pay the price. They may not share their frustrations with their leader; however, they will with some of their peers. A nice leader is often not seen as a fair leader.

A kind leader, on the other hand, will meet with the employee privately and say, “I’ve noticed you’ve missed some deadlines. I want you to succeed, and the team depends on your meeting commitments. What’s getting in your way, and how can we fix this together?” Then she will offer support—for example, coaching or training—but will also make it clear that the employee will be held accountable for future missed deadlines.

In the “nice” scenario, the employee likes the leader and enjoys working at his own pace. However, he does not improve. Deadlines keep slipping, coworkers resent him, and performance suffers. In the “kind” scenario, the employee has the opportunity to grow and improve. Hopefully, he will. But if he does not, it may be time to rethink his role in the company. Letting someone go who cannot thrive can actually be a kindness in the long run.

Here are a few signs that indicate a person might be caught in the “niceness” trap:

• They avoid difficult conversations. They sugarcoat feedback or don’t deliver it at all.
• They let poor performance slide. The hope is that “it will work itself out.” (In reality, that rarely happens.)
• They “save” people instead of developing them. (I call this Park Ranger Leadership, because the leader is always swooping in and rescuing them when they are lost in the wilderness.)
• They say yes too often. They overcommit themselves or their team because they don’t want to disappoint others.
• They are well liked but not always well respected.

If you see yourself in this list, don’t beat yourself up. We are all works in progress. But be kind to yourself by working to do better.

Leading with kindness is not always easy, but it is always right. It means that you want the best for people, even if it causes some discomfort in the short term. Nice leaders protect feelings…but kind leaders protect futures.