Instead of pointing a finger, hold out your hand. This statement combines two familiar “hand” metaphors. The first is that when we have one finger pointing out at someone else, three others are pointing back at us. The second is a reference to reaching out to another person to be of help. It is usually better to open the hand.
It is easy to point a finger at what is wrong, who is at fault, what could be better, and so on. At times, pointing can be helpful. It may be that we’re pointing out danger, a person who needs recognition, or a place someone needs to go. The key is in how the action is done and how it is interpreted. This is what makes writing so challenging. When two people are face-to-face (in person or virtually), both the sender’s and receiver’s expressions can be seen. This, along with body language, helps both understand where the other is coming from. This is not the case with writing.
A character defect I have is that I am overly sensitive. I take things personally. My oversensitivity leads to my feelings being hurt. Yet this same sensitivity helps in my writing and speaking. With each column I write, the goal is to be helpful. If there is a finger pointing anywhere, it’s pointing at me.
No one is perfect. Leadership is hard. When someone reaches out to me upset with their leader, I ask if they feel the person upset them on purpose. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, the answer is no. I ask, “Do you feel the person is aware of what they did that upset you?” I then say, “Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, like you would want for yourself.” I suggest they approach the person in a non-accusatory fashion and have a conversation. That is the difference between pointing a finger and offering a helping hand.
A few tips:
- Don’t take things personally. This is the second core agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements.
- Pause before acting. If you share your hurt feelings with someone, make sure it’s a trusted friend and/or mentor, and it’s done in a non-victim, non-gossipy manner.
- Don’t use words like, “You did this.” Start with, “This is my perception, and it may be off.” Usually, this leads to a very good conversation.
- Don’t assume you know why someone is acting a certain way. At times a person may respond in a way even they don’t like, or perhaps aren’t aware of. A CEO was at his company’s day-long workshop. In his opening speech, he was not his usual energetic self. At the break, I asked if he was okay. The CEO said that yesterday his wife had been diagnosed with cancer.
I suggested he should share only what he and his wife were comfortable with, but with the number of companies laying off people and their current situation, his solemness might be misunderstood by the workforce. After the break, he spoke with the group, and in a loving manner, explained that his lack of energy had nothing to do with them or work. He described what was taking place in a very respectful manner. People left holding out a helping hand.
So the next time you’re tempted to point, try opening your hand instead. It’s a small shift, and it changes everything.
