Sharing can be a good thing—almost a magical thing. It often leads to an increase in self-awareness. In this column, we will focus on what happens when you share with someone you trust, who cares enough to provide you with objective feedback. The tape one plays in their head may not be accurate. Just the process of saying something aloud can be helpful.
I am so fortunate to spend time with many people, both in person and on the phone. What I find is that it takes courage to share one’s feelings with someone—especially with one who may not be on the same page. We can always choose someone we know will agree with us. Yet there is more insight to be gained by sharing with a person who may be more objective.
Self-awareness is so important. Without it, a person can go through life not understanding their part in things. Self-awareness and coachability are necessary for both personal and professional development.
How does one acquire self-awareness? Measurement can be very helpful in evaluating progress or lack thereof. When I hop on the scale to weigh myself, a number shows up. I may not like it; however, it is hard to deny the number.
Both success and failure create self-awareness. For example, one might discover that when a certain process is always followed, the results are better. Conversely, they may discover that the desired outcomes are not happening, perhaps because the process is not current or the following of it is inconsistent.
One also needs to be willing to accept outcomes they don’t understand or agree with. For example, a movie director may feel the movie is great. Yet the reviews are not good, and people do not watch it. The director can rationalize that the reviewers do not know quality, and the audience is missing what a great movie it is. Eventually, the director will have to hold up the mirror if the goal is to get people to watch their movies.
I recently got a call from a person who was very upset. He was working extremely hard and was in line for a promotion. The employee engagement results had come out, and the people reporting to him were very unhappy. He started out saying that the employees did not understand how hard he was working. He said they are young and don’t realize he is just correcting them for the good of the organization. The person then shared that his boss feels that the promotion is best delayed due to the engagement results, and added that the delay is not fair.
I asked if I could provide feedback. He said yes. I shared, “This is my opinion, and it can be wrong. However, based on what you shared, can you blame your boss for being concerned and holding on to the promotion?” The next day he called me. He said he had been thinking about my question to him. He acknowledged that he could not blame his boss, and that if he were in the boss’s shoes, he would do the same thing. This person’s courage to reach out helped him be more objective.
Here is a different example. A person was let go from their job. Instead of looking at their outcomes, they chose to blame others for their dismissal. This is not uncommon.
Suggestions for building self-awareness and becoming more coachable:
- When a concern is weighing on your mind, find a close confidant with whom you can share what is taking place. Choose someone who will provide you with feedback.
- If you’re an employee, make sure you have a clear understanding of how your performance will be evaluated. If you’re a leader, make sure you and those you lead are on the same page with expectations, measurement, and priorities.
- Most people shy away from what they see as an uncomfortable conversation. If you are not achieving the goals set, do not wait for your leader to discuss the results with you. Meet and share that you know expectations are not being met. Lay out what skills you are working to improve and ask for feedback. If you’re a person’s leader, do not be vague. Be clear about what needs to take place, by when, and what will happen if positive movement does not take place. If the person’s job security is at risk, share that. They may not be pursuing options that may be better for them due to thinking their job is secure.
- Yes, desperation is a gift that motivates people to look at themselves, seek input, and change. However, it is better to be proactive versus getting to that desperation point. Be assertive. Do not assume no news is good news.
My experience is that those who are the most successful are the ones always looking to learn and improve. That means being willing to share the truth and receive feedback that may not always be easy to hear. Gaining self-awareness is the pathway to growth. It may be uncomfortable, but it is worth it in the end.
