We are all students. I love the statement, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” Being “ready” in this context means being self-aware and coachable.

As I was researching The Busy Leader’s Handbook: How to Lead People and Places That Thrive, I interviewed Harry Gruner. Harry is the managing partner of JMI, a growth equity firm. He shared that each year they are approached by and look at hundreds of companies seeking investment. They then reduce this number. The last step is deep research into each company. They then make the final decision on whether to invest or pass. I asked Harry what they look for in their research. Yes, things like pricing and market are important, but the top two items Harry shared are self-awareness and coachability in the founder. This was so interesting to me that it became Chapter One in the book.

Harry explained that when JMI invests in a company with a goal to grow it, the founder (who normally stays on for a period) needs to be self-aware enough to objectively view the company. They need to be able to see not only what is good about the company but also what can be changed. If the founder is defensive or will not acknowledge the need to change, they will not invest. The best leaders have the ability to be critical of themselves. Next, is the founder coachable? Are they too defensive to change? Some of the characteristics that keep people from changing are denial (“Things do not need to change”), blame (“Nothing I can do about it…not my fault!”), and rationalization (“If only this were different, we could be successful”).

Rationalization came up recently in a conversation I had with a top executive. In the conversation, I mentioned that a department in his company was not performing well. The executive’s response was that the person whose area was not performing well reported to someone other than him. I said, “Yes; however, the person that person reports to reports to you. So, the underperforming person and their area are your responsibility, even if they report to someone else.” We know the saying, “The fish starts rotting at the head.”

It is not easy getting feedback, especially when it may not be positive. I recently heard a tip on fear that is helpful: Feedback and fear go hand in hand. I spoke at Spalding University in Louisville, Kentucky. Also speaking was Dr. Brenda Futrell Nash, chair and professor, School of Professional Psychology at Spalding University. Dr. Nash discussed change. She shared a method for rethinking or adjusting our internal messaging. Her recommendation for fear is to think of the word opportunity. I have the habit of being more fearful than is healthy. I get a phone call and assume it will be bad news. The physician orders a test for me, and I jump to a worst-case scenario. Over the years, I have asked people to share their reason for calling when they leave a message. If the message is just “call me,” I tend to project the worst. Rewiring my brain to be positive is an area I work on daily.

Back to Harry’s focus on self-awareness and coachability for a moment: That’s what feedback provides. It creates opportunities to learn more and, when appropriate, to improve one’s skill set.

A person who coaches presenters suggested I start my talks by sharing with the group what I hope they walk away with. Until then, I hoped they got there themselves. His feedback made my presentations better. At first when he met with me to provide his observation, I was fearful. Today I follow his advice. His feedback helped me and the audience.

Here are more suggestions:

1. Do not wait for feedback. Ask for it. Make an appointment with your supervisor and let them know you will appreciate their feedback. Ask them to share the skills in which you can improve.
2. Ask your supervisor about their own development. What books, courses, videos, and so forth helped them? Often what helps others can help us.
3. If you lead others, ask each person how best to provide feedback to them. Often we tend to wait till the feedback is not good. My suggestion is to have this conversation early on. Tell them you are committed to being helpful and to their success, so you will be providing feedback. The hope is the feedback will be positive; however, there are times when it will be constructive. Ask people, “When the feedback is an opportunity to improve performance or fix an issue, how do you want this type of feedback to be provided?” Most people say they want feedback right away, face-to-face if possible, and privately. When those situations need to occur, you can remind the person of this conversation and then provide the feedback.

We all are individuals. This means how we hear information, process information, and act on information is different. The above is meant to show we care about the person and are committed to their skill development.

If the recipient of the feedback does not respond as we might like, it may mean their departure. However, we can hold up the mirror and know we did our best to help the individual perform well.