Life is not always fair. I know people who are or have been in difficult situations. Often forgiveness and love help them in navigating life. That means self-forgiveness, too. I listened to a person share that they can forgive others much easier than they can forgive themselves. This reminds me of a picture of a boxing ring with only one person in it. The person is taking a pummeling, but they are beating themselves up. Not that each of us should not own our piece of a situation, but I find people can be hard on themselves.
When I was 31, I entered therapy for the first time. I was so sad. It was a feeling that I had dug a deep hole for myself that I could never dig out of. I shared with the therapist all the mistakes I had made. She pointed out the good qualities she recognized in me. When she did this, I became uncomfortable. She then told me that I let in negatives and filter out positives.
I share this story often. The message is, Do not filter out positives. When people receive positive feedback, an initial reaction can be deflection. I say to someone what a good job they are doing, and the response might be, “It is nothing,” or, “Anyone would do the same thing,” or, “It was luck.” I then encourage the person to say “thank you” without deflecting the positive.
As I also often share, it takes hearing three positives to one negative for a person to feel good. A person will never feel good if they do not let in the positives.
Forgiveness fits in this space. Yes, one can regret the past and learn from it, but to move forward, forgiveness is important. It is by forgiving others that we learn how to forgive ourselves.
Another word that ties in here is love. A statement heard in the rooms of recovery is, We will love you until you learn to love yourself. This statement is so powerful. It is what we’re called to do for others and for ourselves.
A few tips:
- You do not have to be alone. Reach out to others for help.
- Yes, it is good to be self-aware and identify areas to be improved upon and actions to apologize for. However, do not filter out the positives. Here is an exercise I share in meetings: I have people write their name on top of a piece of paper. The papers are then passed around the group. Each person can pass or choose to write something about the person whose paper they have in front of them. When the papers are completed, each person leaves with a list of positives written on their paper. It helps people with their ability to see what is right.
- Do not hold on to anger or resentment. Forgive yourself and others.
- Love freely. Do not hold back on letting people know you love them. We will never regret sharing love.
We are blessed to be alive. Do your best to live in the now. Each day is a gift to be opened and lived…that’s why they call it the present.
