Recently I sat down on a plane and noticed the man next to me had on an Iowa Hawkeyes hat. He was in his eighties. Before I share the rest of the story, let me tell you about my typical air travel routine.
I tend to spend my time on flights looking at my phone. If there is Wi-Fi available, I connect. If not, I will scroll through emails or listen to audiobooks. On this flight, Wi-Fi was not available. Also, I have been having issues with my hearing aid Bluetooth option so I couldn’t listen to a book. Some people find it easy to sleep on a plane. Not me. So here I was on a plane wide awake with no Wi-Fi, no ability to listen to a book, and no new emails to read.
Normally, I would just sit quietly. For some reason I leaned over and asked the gentlemen next to me if he was from Iowa. He explained the reason for the Iowa cap. He and his wife had spent years in Appleton, Wisconsin. They had also spent time in the summer in Northwest Wisconsin. He shared that he now lives in Arkansas and was flying from Atlanta to Milwaukee because he had been visiting a daughter who is a history professor at Troy University. He talked about his life. His wife of 60 years passed away this year. He was on his way to spend time in Northwest Wisconsin where they had enjoyed wonderful times. He said he thinks of his wife every day. As we got up, I helped him because he had a cane and needed a bit of assistance. I walked off the plane behind him and said goodbye as he got into a wheelchair that was waiting for him. As I write this the emotion of gratitude fills me up.
None of this would have happened if the plane had Wi-Fi, if my hearing aid was working with Bluetooth, or if I had slept. It also wouldn’t have happened if I followed my usual assumption that the people next to me want to be left alone. It also came to me that I listened during the entire conversation. Listening is not my strong suit. I have a “let me tell you my story” personality. This reminds me of the subject of a talk I have given and written articles about: It is better to be interested versus interesting. Yes, there are times when being interesting is good. It helps people tune in to a message. Yet being interesting does not build a relationship nearly as well as being interested does.
Years ago, I termed the action of leaders talking with employees rounding. This was based on the concept of physicians rounding on their patients in the hospital. Of course, a physician wants to share information with the patient. However, they start with being interested. Physicians have told me their ears are a valuable diagnostic tool. Listening is a skill that helps one be a better leader and person. It creates better relationships. And what customer does not want to be listened to?
While my poor hearing creates challenges in noisy places and large group settings, it is beneficial in one-on-one conversations. To understand what is being said I must give the other person my full attention. Watching their lips helps. I cannot look away for I miss words. A few weeks back Phillip Wright, a healthcare leader, was in Pensacola. He asked to meet me for a cup of coffee. Later he posted on LinkedIn that during our meeting I made him feel like he was the only person in the shop. It was great to read this. I give credit to my hearing issue. What could be a negative can also be a positive.
My conversations with the man on the plane and with Phillip Wright were not transactional. They’re examples of relationship building conversations.
It’s not that transactional communication is bad. I received a text from the lab reminding me of lab work. It included the date, time, and location and asked me to confirm that I would be there. In this case, texting is more efficient than a phone call. When my oldest son had a brain tumor removed, the surgery center at the UW Madison Hospital used a code number and texts to help us follow his progress from surgery to recovery. Today there are even more sophisticated methods of communication. There is a place for transactional communication. However, it doesn’t build relationships. Even rounding can become transactional. My company created a relationship rounding tool kit to help organizations move back to the why of rounding.
A few tips:
After a conversation ask yourself, “Did I do more listening or talking?” Normally listening and speaking will switch back and forth. It is a conversation. When the conversation is over, review what you learned. It’s a nice reminder that listening and learning go together.
Create technology guidelines. I read recently of a family that has “no phone” time zones in their house. On a date night put the phones away. Even watches receive messages. You are not fooling anyone glancing at your watch during a conversation. If you must do so, explain why.
Call or see someone versus sending an email or text. If you work in an office, you have sent an email or texted someone who is within easy walking distance of you. Take a walk.
One may never know what is missing until it is discovered or felt again. If my plane had Wi-Fi and technology had been working, I would have missed getting to know my friend on the plane. I would have missed the gift of learning about his family, the loss of his wife, and his trip to visit where they had spent magical summers.
We have gifts of relationships all around us. I need to remember to focus on being interested versus interesting. And I need to put my phone away more often.
